You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
