And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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