I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
