i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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