She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
