Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
