it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
