saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
