Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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