3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize