don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
