Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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