Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
