You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
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