I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
