At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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