I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
