haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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