ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
