I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
