oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
