I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
