Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
