Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
