Screwed.edu
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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