I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
