I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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