My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
