I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
