if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I need to stop coming to work sober
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
