2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
