I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
There r osticjed everywhere
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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