You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
