Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
