thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
