a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
