we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
