i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
