God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
