You can't special order awesome
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
