hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
