my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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