Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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