I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
