im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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