she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
