woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
