what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
