I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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