So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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