you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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