Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
