Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
