If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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