Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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