I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
