i just sent this text using only my big toe
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
