She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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