this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
